DO NOT READ ME

There will be no swoon here today. And no incredible noteworthy post. But, there there, don't cry little one. I have good news to share. Because sharing is caring. Secrets don't make friends, and friends don't make secrets (a certain someone recites that to me often and I have yet to figure out what she means... but I digress).

There are important things happening in Blogland today. Please make sure you are seated with your seat belt fastened and your tray table in the upright position.

By the power of Graystone, may I present JUNE 'THE SWOON' CLEAVER!!!!!!

Yeah, click the link. She's back on the scene, and since I haven't posted any swoony pics this past week, I guess June realized it was time to get back to work. It's a hard job, more of a calling really, but someone has to do it.

Oh and btw, I lied.

I'm giving in and posting one little swoony pic to prepare you for the real swoon.

You're welcome.

Swoonless Tuesday

Hello my public. Uptown Fandom at large please hear this:
(*uptown disclaimer at bottom of post*)

I am not posting a swoon today.

No hot steamy pic to drool over. Nope. Not happening.

So (Lovey & June) if that is the only reason we are friends... well I just don't know what to tell you. Maybe I should start by listing better reasons for you to read my blogizzle in addition to my wanna-be-swoons:


-I have interesting insights into pretentious new york city living.

-I condescend to associate with you online.

-I am amazing.

-You can live vicariously thru my high-class world of taxis and mani-pedis and beer champagne.

-I come up with new Uptownese Urban Slang that you should be studying daily.

-I think I'm hilarious and you should think so, too.

-I practice the fine art of being a virtual snob and debutante.

-I am fetch. Everything about me is fetch and fabulous.

-You know you love me.

-I will one day be Empress and rule the world. You may be in running to be one of my Ladies in Waiting if you play your cards right.


I will gently suggest that you soak up all of my insightful posts and be grateful they exist.

And if you need a swoon real real bad... well, June? Are you going to post one for us sometime in the near future? Because everyone should know that I only post wanna-be-swoons. What do I mean by wanna-be?? Thank you for asking. My little swoony swoons are little bits of drivel that I post from time to time to help fill the void until June 'The Swoon' Cleaver is back in business. Her swoons are on a different level. If you don't believe me you should just click her link on my sidebar. Obvi. But you should know that June, too is deeper than her swoon-abilities. She has a lot to teach us all about this great big world, about being a mom, and about the effects of beer.

Ok Lovey & June, be my guest and post your own swoonable pics. Because I can only spend so much time searching for said pics while drooling at work. I will prob post them tomorrow... time will tell.
I hope that you will come back to my blog for me and my hottness rather than for the hotties I post. They are just a bonus. Fo shizzle my nizzle lemon drizzle. And please, don't make me cut you.

*DISCLAIMER: Have you heard of pms? Pre-, Post-, or Participating- Madness Syndrome. Right, well I may or may not be operating on an influx of hormones given to me by this Madness. Go ahead and guess. Make my day.*

Monday Swoon

Yes, today is Monday. And in true "June The Swoon Cleaver's Biggest Fan" style, I decided to post a swoonworthy pic for you on this fine horrible excuse for a day-of-the-week.

No, today has not been a bad Monday or anything. And, you know how I hate it when you jump to conclusions like that. Simmer down before I call Bon Qui Qui.

Monday is just one of those days. My frenemy. And Mondays are always less Mondayish with a swoon. Everybody knows that. Common knowledge. Common sense.

I've been trying to come up with a swoonworthy gentleman to post. I thought about posting another shot of Josh Duhamel (my baby daddy)(jk jk) or Ryan Reynolds. I also considered choosing from my long list of celebrities who stalk me and socialite gentlemen callers. But, again, we've seen their faces on these swoons time and time again. You know who you are [Sam Champion].

All I can really swoon over at this moment is a pizza pie. When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's AMORE. Obvi.
Without further ado.... may I present... for the first time on The Uptown Girl Blogizzle.....

AMORE!!!!!

Go ahead, swoon...

My Fave

Yes, you read my post title correctly. I will tell you one of my fave things in the world at large. Ok, actually my fave elite and uber important person (other than myself).

Everybody and their brother from another mother has been out there blogging about their favorito stuff in life. Online and offline. From fave blogs, to books, to haircare products, etc etc etc. As you may or may not have noticed, I am a copycat. If I see you do or say something that I like, I'll steal that thing or word and make it my ownspice. Lamespice? Ask Lauren.

btw, Lauren- I bought that raisin Almay mascara and I'm wearing it today for the first time. So far I'm not in love with it. But, time will tell. Maybe it'll look better with different color eyeshadow?

So, here I am telling you about my love affair with Jack Handy. He is not only the bestest comedian out there, he is also my Baby Daddy. Just a joke- calm down peeps, I don't have a Baby Daddy in real life. I picked up the random and inappropriate use of that phrase/title while in Georgia! Isn't it fetch? Blame the Peaches.

“Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.”

June Cleaver posted that quote from dear ole Jack and I stumbled across it today while stalking her and reading her old posts. While she is on her top-secret NASA mission, June refuses to post anything new for me to read... so what else am I supposed to do?? Pick a new fave blogizzle? Never!! I know you're saying to yourself "never say never", but #1 you are not my mom and you can't take that tone with me... and #2 you're tacky and I hate you. again, I'm joking with you. I don't rly hate you. And, without using google or an encyclopedia, can you tell me where the 'tacky' quote comes from? That right there is a challenge my friend who may or may not be tackier than tacky.

[aside: June, if you see someone peering in your windows while you drink your six-pack(s) tonight it is NOT, I repeat NOT me!! I was there stalking you last night as per usual, but I'm now home in NYC. It is most likely Matthew McConaughey so don't be alarmed and please blog about him soon. kthanxbye]

Where was I?? Ah yes, Jack Handy is the funniest person I know. After that I also enjoy the humor of me, myself, I, and also Liza's manfriend [who we will now call.... hrmmm.... Liza's ManFriend. That may not work tho bc when I abbreve it he becomes LMF which reminds me of MF'er, and hello ppl this blog is for kids... any suggestions? until you suggest something better that's all I've got]. Liza's ManFriend and I both quote Jack Handy quite often. It's what makes us so funny. Obvi. Hot Dang!

Reality is this. I do enjoy the quote June posted. However, it isn't rly my fave. No offense June. No offense.

My favie lil Jack quote is as follows... and I will leave you to ponder this thought...
.
.
.
“Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend.”

If you didn't laugh then you need to re-read the quote in a monotone Jackish voice and picture a field of wildflowers in the sunset. If you still don't get it please inquire within and I will try to walk you thru the complexities of being funny.

Wanna-Be Swoon

June is back. Not in full Cleaver force, but she is alive and well. And that is all we can really ask for isn't it?



Well, technically I want to ask for the Monday Swoon to return to her blog.

But, alas, the swoon is still away on vacay.

June is obvi very busy with her real life and is therefore neglecting her internet virtual life. And that is understandable. Since I am feening for the Swoon tho, I will practice my understudy skills in June's absence.


My inspiration for this particular post is Amber. A new blog find. Always exciting for me to discover a new blog to add to my repertoire- this whole blogosphere is like a candy shop and I am like a kid who goes into that candy shop and eats the candy as I go. Without having to pay for it. And without gaining any weight. Yumm-i-licious.


Without further delay, may I present:



George Eads (you know, CSI guy) Hi George. What nice teeth you have. The better to... what?


Love the suit Georgie. You know how I adore suits and ties and your eyes.
You're always wishing me peace and love. Aww thanks, I peace and love you too.


Here he is acting. And looking so intense as he leans on that forensics desk. George you know you can always lean on me when you're not strong. I'll be your friend. I'll help you carry on. For, it won't be long, til I'm gonna need somebody to lean on.
And you look pretty strong, so I'll lean on you soon, thanks.


Georgie Porgie in all of his surfer-boy-swagger. All that comes to mind is...
What nice teeth you have.

Oh my. George said that he has to wear sunglasses when he reads my blog so his eyes don't get burned by the intense hotness. Obvi. This blog is so fiercely hot that it is almost on fire.

Happy Monday!

Where oh where did my June Cleaver go? Oh where oh where can she be?

HAVE YOU SEEN THIS WOMAN??? Tall, skinny, natural blond, looks about 22, legs for miles... drinks like a fish... you know... June Cleaver!? Well she has gone missing. I know I am not the only concerned blogger because I have lurked on your blogs and seen your worried comments.


Trying to be the best virtual friend I can be, I racked my brains thinking what could make her come out of hiding (assuming/hoping she is in fact in hiding and alive). I came up with a couple of options.

1- Fly to Omaha, NE and scour the city. Go door-to-door looking for a drunk blond.

2- Call Matthew McConaughey and ask him to give June a nudge and pass her a laptop.

3- Post pictures of hot swoonable men. As I am an amateur swooner, June will want to correct me and post better, steamier pics of said men on her blogizzle.


As I am out of frequent flier miles and Matt hasn't returned my calls, I will have to resort to #3.


Swoon-city aka Operation Must Find June (hereafter OMFJ).


Josh Duhamel... See how he leans his cheek upon that hand. Oh to be a glove upon that hand. That i might touch that cheek! Josh...

He is happy to hear that all of Blogland is searching for June. He is smiling thinking of her hot yoga.


Sam Worthington has been praying Hail Mary's for June's safe return. He is quite the good Catholic boy. Look at that baby face. Adorable.

Oh no! Ryan Reynolds. Ryan is soooo worried! He has been up day and night, hasn't shaved in days. Developing some forehead wrinkles which he vows to name "June" and "Six-pack".


Patrick Dempsey is pulling his hair out and has an anxiety disorder now. He cries at night without June. He is quite sensitive you know.

What does this look say? Matt is sultry even when in distress. I think his eyes are trying to disguise the fact that he has June Cleaver under lock and key. He is acting. Acting worried, though he knows exactly where she is. I knew it Matthew. I figured you were screening my calls, but this confirms it!

ok Mrs. Cleaver come out come out wherever you are... and give me some better captions please.