bye bye Michael

clickety click: You Are Not Alone - Michael Jackson

I have such a wide range of emotions flowing at the news of Michael Jackson's death. It is unreal and unexpected. Both his passing and the feelings I'm having.

I think the hard part is that I associate MJ with a lot of bremories. Good and bad. And he was such an obviously sad, disturbed, yet completely talented man.

"You are not alone" was my song with my 8th grade boyfriend (1 of 2 songs). I still love it. It makes me think of Chris and wonder what he is up to. Makes me want to Facebook stalk him and try to remember our 14 year old innocent love. Before I callously broke his heart that is. Are you sensing a pattern? I've never been any good at this dating/relationship thing. And yet I keep trying. At this stage I try with the dating scene... but I try to be much more sensitive, open-minded, and clear about my feelings (both on dates and with myself). I am working on paying attention. Noticing both good and bad signals. Listening to my gut feelings. Using my voice and being heard. Looking for a situation where the signals from my head and heart and body are aligned and balanced. Trying but not yet quite there. Better late than never? Only time will tell.

So yeah, that is 1 good bremory brought about by Jacko. The bad ones are too private to share with you (we're just not on that level of intimacy yet- no offense). As I said here, and was reminded yesterday by this blogizzle, music is my memory (i mean bremory- sorry about the lapse in my vocab). Oh and I forgot to update you about the Oldies!

I've started listening to my beloved Oldies once more. I can't believe I stayed away for so long... they missed me and I missed them. Sacot. I have listened to them and listened to them and I've been working on new associations. It has actually worked. Turned out to be a great step in the right direction: closure. Like putting stitches on an open wound. Hurts at first, but helps the healing.

I may just try it with my most painful song to hear - THE song with the eX. At Last. Etta James. I said maybe. Nah, I'm not ready yet. And pls do not play that song around me unless you want me to break your ipod or cut you or F#^k you up! :)

Obvi Michael Jackson will be missed, wondered about, sainted, and condemned- depending who you talk to. I'm a mixed bag. A bag of tricks. A bag of groceries. Now I'm hungry. Got to go find that butler with the silver platter and a silver spoon.

I'll leave you with these lyrics:

There's a place in your heart

And I know that it is love

And this place could be much

Brighter than tomorrow.

And if you really try

You'll find there's no need to cry

In this place you'll feel

There's no hurt or sorrow.

There are ways to get there

If you care enough for the living

Make a little space, make a better place.

Heal the world

Make it a better place

For you and for me and the entire human race

There are people dying

If you care enough for the living

Make a better place for

You and for me.