Look Out Ladies

There's nothing like the Onion News to kick off this lovely Friday. And by lovely I mean there is a full-blown monsoon outside. Sam Champion, please remedy this and show us some sunshine this weekend.

Obama Releases 500,000 Men From U.S. Strategic Bachelor Reserve

I think I speak for all the singles ladies (move over Beyonce) when I say that this report is a dream come true. Who knew Obama was so thoughtful!?

SMILE.

On a rainy day like today (thanks to Sam Champion who is so very rude to send us this downpour), I think it's a good idea to brighten up the internet with a smile!

You're never fully dressed without a smile!

-Annie

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

-Phyllis Diller

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Peace begins with a smile.

-Mother Teresa

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and my personal fave...

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SMILE: it won't mess up your hair!

-Homeless Man on the 6 Train

Dear Sam Champion,

[view from my office window today]

Dear Sam Champion,

It is raining today. And quite chilly. I had to wear my pea coat and carry an umbrella. I forgot my rainboots at home. Lamespice. But, Sam, I am 80% ok with that because in exchange for crap weather today I have a special request...

If its not too much trouble, I'd like you to make sure it is nice and sunny all weekend. That means no rain from Friday afternoon until Monday morning. Rainy days and Mondays always get me down, and I really would like a kickin weekend.

I'd really appreciate it if you'd arrange some sunshine for me, Sammy.


xoxo,


<3 Uptown Girl <3

fall is here to stay

I wanted an Indian Summer. That may be Politically Incorrect to say out loud. But I don't see how it is so PC to make me freeze to death this early in the season.
Its bananas I tell you.
B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

I know that everyone and their brother is totally head over heels in love with the fall. How October is probably your favorite month. How you can't wait to see the leaves change. But I think you are a bunch of crazies.

I like warm weather. I like to go outside without a jacket, and without a scarf. So sue me.

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I've been contributing to global warming for years now and somehow the summer has only gotten shorter. I am colder for a greater percentage of the year.

And if you don't feel sorry for me, well then please feel bad for the poor innocent school children. All those kids in uniform who are forced to wear skirts in the freezing cold while Mr. P (full name omitted to protect my former teacher) opens the classroom window to let in the "fresh breeze". Lets call that "fresh breeze" what it really is. It is not a nice easy harmless way to kill all the students' germs Mr. P. No, it is a Nor'easter and those are goosebumps on my legs thank you very much.

But I digress. I started writing this post today to let you know that I miss the summer already. I haven't seen the sun in days, no weeks, no days. This is unconscionable. I do not approve of these brisk days we've been enduring all week long. I do not approve.

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Do you hear me Sam Champion?

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I want to sit outside on my sundeck after work to read and tan without shivering. I want another beach day. I want to go sneak mimosas into Central Park on Sunday for a picnic with friends. I want to watch guys in the park play sports with "shirts vs skins" teams. I want to plan a Halloween costume that does not require a parka.

Whatevski, that is my little Indian Summer fantasy and I just want to put it out there and get it out of my system. And now I will admit the one thing I can appreciate about this Autumn season... my birthday is coming at the very tail end.

The day when all the world celebrates me. Yes, I personally redeem Autumn. Singlehandedly (ok, yes, with the help of my mom an a doctor 28+ years ago- thanks guys!). You're welcome.

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What do you miss about the summer?

August Sick Day

Remember back in May when I was home sick for a couple days?? And I posted some random uber interesting facts that I learned from daytime tv here?
Well, I'm a bit under the weather again. But this time only a little bitty bit bit. I stayed home from work (*yay*) to rest up yesterday and nip this thing in the bud. I'm back to work today and I'm even feeling a little better. So don't fret.

Things I learned on tv yesterday:

1- Sam Champion must be on vacay because he had a substitute meteorologist in his place. And it wasn't his usual sub. Can you believe that?? I think it was this realization that pushed me over the edge. The edge of illness. With this realization I knew I could not function properly on the job. It weakened my already fragile state. Too much... too much.

2- Lifetime and Ion both have Reba marathons simultaneously. You can literally flip back and forth and back and forth.

3- Regis Philbin uses a CPAP machine to sleep at night. It broke.

4- The lead singer from Hootie and the Blowfish is on his own now and just came out with his first album. I forget his real name, maybe Darius Rucker? Something like that, but we will just call him Hootie. Can you guess what genre he's singing now??

[aside: Did I ever tell you that I'm a winner? That's right. I win big. About 4 years ago I won free tickets to a small semi-private Hootie&theBlowfish concert. Booyah. Booyah ka sha. And I've won other cool stuff too. Liza may be able to comment with a story or 2... hehehe]

5- Chase Crawford (of Gossip Girl... if you didn't know this, well, shame on you. And yes I think he looks a bit feminine.) used to be a valet. You know, the guy who parks your benz at fancy upscale restaurants. Well, he admits to stealing gum from important people. And he once parked Jessica Simpson's car.

6- The girl who plays Dexter's girlfriend in season 1 (i've only seen season 1 of the show, so I have no idea if she continues on) had a main role in an episode of Law & Order. I know you're thinking, "that is not news. doesn't everyone do a stint on L&O?" Anyway, don't jump to conclusions bc that is not the point here. The point is this: I think she's a rly good acctess and she was completely different in this role. So there.

7- Stacey and Clinton of 'What Not to Wear' have a lot of rules about fashion... they talk a lot about the importance of fit, structure, letting the clothes enhance your shape, etc. I think ppl should just let Liza dress them. She is my personal stylist and she doesn't have so many rules. With Liza it is more like "yes, wear that, you look hot" or "no, change outfits, you could look hotter". And I appreciate that approach.

8- Healthy Choice meals are looking more appetizing. Now if only they had more calories...

9- I want everything sold on QVC. And on infommercials. Everything.

10- The Closer is one of the bestest shows on television. I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but there are only 2 episodes left this season. Thank you sooo much.

That sums it up. 10 amazing facts learned from tv. What have you learned lately?

taxi love

Everyone has been in a taxi-cab before, right? I mean, have you had at least 1 taxi ride in NYC? And how did you feel?

I happen to ride in a lot of taxis. Too many if you ask my financial advisor Wealth Manager aka Liza. But the thing is this: I <3 taxis.

As I've mentioned in the past, the city is a very hectic place and can be crazy to navigate using public transportation. Of course it all depends. Do you live near a subway? Do you work near that same subway line? Ok well, that's easy. And I hate you. But otherwise... you end up schlepping all about, waiting for multiple trains, transferring, taking the bus, etc etc etc. And if you have to cross-town -- well that is too painful to talk about. [excuse me while I wipe a tear from my eye after re-living some painful cross-town memories]

So here's the dealio yo. I am an Uptown Girl. Why do I have to take public transportation?

Why do I have to stand on the street waiting for a bus so I can cram myself between 83 other commuters and their children, purses, backpacks, rolly-things, and various bags, boxes, skateboards, bicycles, and canes?? And then after arriving at said bus-stop, I still have multiple blocks to trek along with zillions of other commuters before I get to my destination... [wiping sweat from brow]

Another option is the train. I won't go into it in detail, but take my bus description, multiply by the square root of pi and divide by 17. Then add 2-3 flights of stairs, 3 buckets of sweat (my own sweat co-mingled with the sweat of 15 strangers), the nauseating scent of urine/body odor/"only God knows what rank smell that is", and at least 1 stolen grope that is quite surprising although it should be expected. On either bus or subway you have the sounds of other ppl's iPods that are turned up way too high, so you find yourself concerned for said ppl's impending loss of hearing, while on the other hand fuming with frustration bc they aren't so considerate.

Anyways... I won't give you the exciting-slash-uber-disturbing stories I've collected from my time spent on public transportation (which compared to many ppl isn't so much time bc I avoid it so avidly).

The alternative to mass transportation is individual transportation: the infamous yellow taxi. Fleets of taxis whiz by on the busy streets. They call to me. Sparkling in the sunlight. Glittering in the streetlights. The light is on! The taxi is available! It invites me to lift my arm to signal my desire. What choice do I have?! It is love at first sight. The taxi stops. I hop in. I politely tell the driver where I need to go, how I want to go, and that I'm in a rush. And then I feel a rush. I notice my surroundings. Leather seats and a taxi-tv with Sam Champion commercials. No people sweating up on me, no icky smells, no stairs, no stares, nothing to disturb my inner-peace. And I smile. I feel happy. All is right in the world. Bliss... pure unadulterated bliss. I fall in love. I fall hard.

**This is the way I envision my taxi-ride. I may or may not be giving you a realistic picture of the experience as taxi passenger.**

Monday Swoon

Yes, today is Monday. And in true "June The Swoon Cleaver's Biggest Fan" style, I decided to post a swoonworthy pic for you on this fine horrible excuse for a day-of-the-week.

No, today has not been a bad Monday or anything. And, you know how I hate it when you jump to conclusions like that. Simmer down before I call Bon Qui Qui.

Monday is just one of those days. My frenemy. And Mondays are always less Mondayish with a swoon. Everybody knows that. Common knowledge. Common sense.

I've been trying to come up with a swoonworthy gentleman to post. I thought about posting another shot of Josh Duhamel (my baby daddy)(jk jk) or Ryan Reynolds. I also considered choosing from my long list of celebrities who stalk me and socialite gentlemen callers. But, again, we've seen their faces on these swoons time and time again. You know who you are [Sam Champion].

All I can really swoon over at this moment is a pizza pie. When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's AMORE. Obvi.
Without further ado.... may I present... for the first time on The Uptown Girl Blogizzle.....

AMORE!!!!!

Go ahead, swoon...

Sam is my bestie.

You believe in the 6-degrees-of-Kevin-Bacon, right? Or at least the 6-degrees-of-separation?


Well, I know we all come to these blogs with different faiths and varying belief systems, but if we all believe in the 6-degrees then we are all really connected.


Therefore I am practically blood brothers with Sam Champion. obvi.


[aside- shout out to Laura of "Life is An Adventure--Dare It". She used the word 'obvi'. Good girl. She is the shiz-nit and always has been. Fo shizzle my nizzle lemon drizzle.]


Here's the flow.... my youngest sister Bina is 14. This morning she was in nyc at Good Morning America at 5:30 (AM!!!! 5:30 in the morning!!!! wtf???) for her friend's 14th bday celebration. The girls all came into the city to go to the show and have a blast. I don't know how anything is a blast at 5:30am, but I digress.

So, Sam Champion had a whole convo on tv with Bina's friends Katherine and the bday girl Julia. He even made a rude comment about Julia's braces. He said he likes them, but still... who says that... on live tv... to a 14 year old b-day girl... who is sensitive about her braces already??!!! Rood, Sam. Rood. Even so, Sam is my bestie. BFFs.

Also, Bina stood next to her friends waving at Sam and screaming WOOOHOOOOOOOO!!! She makes me proud.

Sammy and I have only 1 or 2 degrees of separation (1 degree if Bina shouting at Sam counts, 2 degrees if it is her friends. No, either way I have 1 degree bc I practically raised those girls. All three of them. On my own. I made them what they are today.). Ok, Sam and I have 1 degree separation. Done and doner.

I also have 1 degree separation from Kevin Bacon. Short story is this: he was staring at my brother Pete at a bar one night. Pete noticed him staring, and KBacon tried to avert his eyes, but he wasn't fast enough and Petie caught him. Poor K-BLT was embarrassed... obvi.

1 degree separation from Kevin Bacon, 2 to his wife Kyra Sedgwick aka Chief Brenda Lee Johnson. I less than three Kyra. She is so awesome on The Closer. Makes me want to confess to a crime I didn't even commit... or did I??? She's that good.

Ok, so now that we're clear I want you to know something. I'm only 1 or 2 degrees away from these celebs. And from what I can tell, it makes the little people (Kevin Bacon, Kyra, and Sam) feel pretty important to be so closely related to me. How sacot is that? I mean, it's only natural (I know), but it is so humbling for me.

can't get enough boom boom boom

obsessed with this song. if you haven't heard it... don't tell me or anyone else. be very ashamed and clickety click this here link. imediamente. boom boom pow.mp3 - black eyed peas
[aside: is it weird that I sometimes want to be Fergie? Mostly bc I covet her man. And her abs.]

Oh, hi there Josh. Welcome uptown. You are always welcome. Always.

I also happen to be obsessed with this little known and under-appreciated fact:

Sam Champion is forever in my debt. For-EV-er.

Today is sunny (read: not pouring down rain). So was yesterday. So was Monday. You're welcome. i got your back Sammy Sam Sam. Sam Sam.

Yes, as you probably guessed, I bought rain boots. Bc of the "jinx", I haven't had to wear them. Obvi. I apologize for not buying rain boots during any of the recent monsoons this summer. That would've ended them fo shizzle my nizzle lemon drizzle. Fo sho.

These are the actual boots (or some that I found online that remind me of them- whatevs, close enough). You like?

rain rain go away... come again never.

Oh Sam, I am soooooo sick of this cold, rainy, frizzy month of June. Where oh where is my summer weather? Isn't global warming supposed to take care of this for me? Why have I been spraying all that aerosol hairspray if not to make nyc like a tropical island?

Would someone please get Al Gore on the line for me? He has some explaining to do. Both about this inconvenient weather and about the beard I saw him sporting. Has he shaved it yet? Need to know. I can't decide whether I like it or not. I feel mostly 'or not' about it. Tell me your deep thoughts on this one.

Get the image of Al out of your head. Shake it out. Sorry about that. So sorry. Uncalled for. I know.

You know what a day like today is good for....... use your imagination. Now, get your mind out of the gutter and I will tell you what I am referring to. [yes all you grammar-nazis, i know i end lots o' sentences with props. me like it that way.]

Anticipating this crappy-arse weather, Uptown Biotch and I coordinated a work Happy Hour tonight. We planned it a few weeks ago. How smart was that?

I mean, on a dreary icky day, what else do you want to do after work? Options: have a nap or have a beer.

We chose beer. Wisely. Psychically. Obvi.

We also chose to have our beer for free. That's right. Aww to the yeah. Our beer is being sponsored (officially or unofficially I don't know/care) by one of our pharmaceutical reps. We got a group of our residents to come drink for free with us. I know what you are thinking- it is true genius. Thank you for noticing. I completely agree. Completely.

Now this last pic is for June. Both the month and the long-lost-bestest-blogger. [don't get so offended all you other bloggers. you know it is true. her blog is better than yours. go take some notes.]

you say i'm a bitch like it's a bad thing

Anyone who is anyone knows to live by Patti Stenger's dating philosophy.
I miss her. I really do. I miss watching the millionaires act like fools and miss out on the awesome girls. I miss watching Patti try to put these lamespice dudes thru dating rehab. I miss her rules and her temper tantrums. Most of all I miss her 5 different cell phones. [i shed a tear just now. i rly did.]

So my friends, if I seem like a little Debbie Downer today it is because I am still in withdrawal.

I will try my very bestest to cheer you up and give you a taste of my upper-eastside morning today.

No rain!!! Can you believe it? I cannot. I really really cannot.

AND I saw a lovely ad where Sam Champion was interviewing ppl in Central Park and telling them about the free summer concerts. I was just so happy to see him on this non-rainy Wednesday. That awesome blossom of a weatherman. Meteorologist of my daydreams. Thanks Sammy Sam Sam Sam!

Last but not least, I am going to attempt to share a taste of imeem with you. Lets see if this works.......

This one is for your knee Liza Lize. Bruises - Chairlift

babs

Please consult this link to get a full understanding of what I mean when I say (in lowercase letters): babs.

My date had to cancel. He was very nice about it and had good reasons.

He wants to reschedule for Sunday. After referring to pages 72-76 in my paperback version of "The Guide to Being the Biggest Bitch You Can Be: Owning It", I responded "I'll have to get back to you".

Yes, I want to reschedule. I just can't do it so soon after posting my pretty (pretty awesome!) outfit on the blogizzle. That would just be painful.

It would also convey the wrong message- that I was jumping up and down just dying for this date. While I was looking fwd to it more than I care to admit, it is only a 3rd date. And date #2 was over 2 weeks ago. It was a good one. We played Connect 4. We drank good beer. But I think I should repeat: it was over 2 wks ago now. So whatevski.

If I am perfectly honest with you (and you know how I hate to hide things from my fans and how the stalker-razzi eventually learns all) then I will have to just come out and admit it: ready? ok.

Deep cleansing breath in, deep cleansing breath out. I am mainly upset that I got this kick-arse outfit together, courtesy of Liza, and now can't wow him with my hotness until Sunday.

[assuming i say yes- and I am 99.9% sure that I will say yes once I am no longer wearing my Liza's beautious necklace that makes me look like the debutante that I am]

done. doner.

It is icky and rainy outside today anyways and my hair is starting to frizz. Sunday is supposed to be beautiful. Please come thru for me this one time Sam Champion. My adorable little blonde gay man who decides the weather. Help an uptown girl out this once. Or I will cut you.

donest.

Attn Sam Champion

THIS IS NOT SEATTLE!

We have had pouring rain everyday this week. Every. Day. Every stinking day. And hello, this is May in New York! Not Seattle. Not London. Not April. Not nice.

Stomping my foot.

Serio- nyc people. We commute to work using mass transportation! I take a bus and then walk outdoors for several blocks on the wet flooded streets. Oh also it is pretty humid so my hair looks like something out of the 80s.

Ok so let me just share this story... It was sunny out and my coworker and I decided to go to the ice cream truck a couple blocks away. Not 1 freaking minute after we left the building did it start pouring. It was raining cats and dogs and sideways. We still ran to the ice cream truck to get our ice cream fix, stood in a bank lobby to eat the ice cream, and then ran back. My pants are soaked from the knees down and my feet and shoes are, too!

Now, now. Don't cry for me Argentina. It is all ok! Wanna know why? Today I am going out for Happy Hour!! Happy Hour. That's right, it makes everything all better! I've been thinking about it all the day long. It turns my frown upside down. It makes my rainy sky blue!

Also the coworker who got soaked with me knows where there is a dryer and she dried my pants and socks for me (yes I am sitting here in someone else's extra pants that may or may not close).

Please participate in this survey:

Are you in a fight with Sam Champion/all weatherpersons? Or is it not really their fault? Where do you stand on this important issue?