Creepy McCreeperson

Today I have a touching story to tell. Sit back with your warm beverage, take a sip, let out a sigh as you exhale, and enjoy. Friday morning horror storytime.

[aside: so I just remembered that today is in fact Thursday, not Friday... but since Friday is the best day, lets just pretend for a minute shall we...]


I drink coffee in the morning. This was always an occasional thing, never daily. Until about three months ago. Here in the big apple we have Starbucks like everyone else. We have coffee shops and bodegas. But we also have coffee carts. It is a glorious thing to behold. A little enclosed cart with a person standing inside to serve coffee, tea, pastries, and depending on the cart, make egg sandwiches. In the neighborhood where I work we have several coffee carts. And I've tried them all.

[this is a pic from google images, not the Upper Eastside]

There are two carts directly across the street. I used to get my occasional cup of morning joy from one of these carts. But there is always always a line. And why should I stand in a line? I am an Uptown Girl. I deserve better. Obvi.

I tried a coffee cart about a block away, it is on my way to work and close enough that the coffee is still piping hot when I get to my desk. This coffee cart almost never has a line, and the coffee is delish. I found my place. And, of course, I soon became a VIP at this coffee cart and a loyal daily customer.


My coffee man is very friendly. Sometimes too friendly. Sometimes borderline inappropriate. Sometimes downright creepy. Would you like me to share some examples with you? Oh, ok, no problem.

Examples of Creepiness:

1. Creepy McCreeperson tells me on a regular basis that he likes my eyes. As he stares into them and I avert said eyes. Today he told my walking buddy, "I see stars in your eyes", or something like that. In fact, it makes me feel a little better when he comments on her eyes in addition to mine.


2. When I pay my $1.25 for a large coffee with a large bill (aka a $5, $10, or $20) rather than exact change, Creepy McCreeperson says, and I quote, "Oh, big spender. You taking me out to dinner tonight?" This is followed by a restaurant suggestion such as McDonald's or The World Series. This is what he says every single time I use a "large bill". Every. Single. Time. I now have my clever response down to a science. I reply, "Sure, I'll meet you at McDonald's. See you there".


3. One Monday morning, our convo went like this:

Creepy: How was your weekend?

UG: Not long enough... How was yours?

Creepy: Good good. I had a dream about you.

UG: Oh.... haha... [awkward laugh]

Creepy: Yes, on Friday night you were in my dream. But then I woke up
and you weren't there.

UG: [walks away speechless]

And there you have it folks. Why do I continue to get coffee from Mr. McCreeperson? Thank you for asking. I love the speed and ease in obtaining my coffee. Creepy McCreeperson knows exactly what I want and gets it ready for me as I'm walking up to his cart of creepiness. I love that.

And why don't I know his real name by now? Well that is clearly due to his creepiness. As a daily customer, I would typically ask his name and tell him mine. However McCreeperson already gets too familiar and personal. I don't want to encourage him. Or his dreams.

The truth is, when it comes down to it, I really don't think Creepy is such a bad guy. I think if I actually took him up on his dinner suggestion McCreeperson would most likely turn me down and say something like, "oh no no no, I'm a family man, I have a wife and kids in a foreign land or possibly an outer borough." I think he is all talk. And hey, who doesn't like getting complimented on their eyes over coffee everyday?

The End.

Now get back to work and try to help me remember that today is Thursday, not Friday. I still get to see Creepy McCreeperson one more day this week.