Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Dear Jakie Jake

Dearest Jake Bachelor,

I could never be your wife. Please stop sending me the weekly roses.

I don't even like red roses as much as white, or pink, or peach. Obvi, if you knew me better you would know this. The problem is that you want to hop into a full-on relationship on the first date. Or group-date. It's not fair to me. Or to anyone.


Stop telling me to "open up" to you. Again, I barely know you and you are totally dating 5 other women. Why the heck would I tell you my deeper than deep and dark as night (night in Montana, not in NYC bc that isn't dark at all) secrets? And what pray tell are your secrets anyway? I haven't heard of you opening up to any of the other girls or skanks.


So that's it. I'm out. And for the record, maybe you should marry Vienna. She told you all her secrets and cried and also she thinks you are a hunk in flannel. Isn't that what you are looking for in a girl?

Best of luck in your search.

Sincerely but sans the x and the o,

Uptown Girl

ps- for a great re-cap of last night's episode click here.

12 comments:

Liza said...

muhahaha - so true. his script reads :"you are so beautiful, Open up to me... and..Have any questions for Me?" Hellllooooo

Ann-tidote said...

i decided to stop watching because of him...he's just a cheese poof and i can't handle it...

Urban Mom said...

I have never seen one episode of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette or Survivor or whatever. Showing my age, I guess. Besides, Joel McHale fills me in every Friday night anyway, and serves it up with that big scoop of sarcasm that I love so much. =-)

Uptown Girl said...

Liza- totes mcgoats

Ann- you can so handle it. try watching after a couple glasses of wine, I think you'll fall in love with Jake (that's why they keep all the girls on the show drunk).

U-Mom- maybe we should suggest a Joel McHale swoon... time to FB msg June??

rita said...

Welcome back! It's been so long; I've really missed you!

What, you haven't been away? Oh. Right. I saw your comment on UM's post. Thought I'd cheer you up.

I've tried to watch this go-round of Batchelor, but it's just so silly. I'd have to get really drunk to enjoy it, and my sister doesn't drink and doesn't approve of drunkeness, and I'm staying with her, so I don't want to upset her with my inappropriate behavior. It's the language that I use then that she really doesn't like.

My guilty little secret--and my sister's--was Paradise Hotel. 1, not 2. 2 sucked. I watch that every time it reruns on Reality.

Laura said...

It's stupid and cheesy and maybe fake. and i love it. i can't get enough.

Anna Liesemeyer said...

thanks for making me laugh out loud...

I couldn't agree more. But although cheesy-he seems more genuine than past bachelors. I find myself watching with one eye closed-its so painful to watch the awkwardness....yet I'm addicted.
The girls are always scary.

I hear that Vienna actually does win the whole think according to Reality Steve.
hmmm....

Laura said...

I hope Vienna doesn't win!! If she does than I think Jake is an I-D-I-O-T, I figured they were making him keep her on for ratings cause she is controversial.

I really like Tenley, but I think they edit it to make sure that you feel that way. Maybe if he doesn't pick her she'll be next to do the show...

ok, I like to watch the previews really closely from the first night and try and see who makes it far and I really didn't think that I saw Vienna, I thought that it came out to two brunettes, but I don't know!

Urgh, it's really just a bunch of crap and I shouldn't care, but as you can clearly read here, it's sad but I do...oh well.

Mary said...

Just saying... I'm about up to my shoulders in male drama! He's so ridiculous!!!! I liked Jake in the Bachelorette, but now I think he's getting too caught up in being dramatic and its frustrating me!
PS- Why is it that while I get so annoyed with him, I can't seem to stop watching on Monday nights?!?!

Uptown Girl said...

Rita- you know how to make me smile ;)

Laura- we've been hoping for Tenley at my apt. Vienna canNOT end up with him. that would be so wrong! also, i'm glad to see how seriously you take this subject...!

Anna- I think you just scared everyone in the room with that Vienna sh*t.

Mary- up to your shoulders?! let's just say "babs" and call it a day. boys are bad and stupid. true story.

rita said...

Ugh--I misspelled bachelor. And probably misspelled, too.

Uptown Girl said...

Rita- aren't you a teacher? I expected you to be elevating my spelling skills... time to rethink that.