Monday, September 28, 2009

beard today, gone tomorrow

Monday Monday... oh yes I am back at work and assuming you are as excited as I am that it is once again Monday. The weekend has come and gone. I am sore in more muscles than I never knew existed. Get your mind out of the gutter, I went hiking. That's all. Hiking. I scaled a mountain if you must know. And my body won't let me forget it.

Anywho, as it is Monday and it is a less than cheery day I thought I'd offer a little story time. This is the beard story I promised on Friday. So cuddle up and get lost in the magical land of the Upper Eastside.........

Ok so once upon a time, I went on a few dates with this guy who had a beard. I'm not a fan of beards nor have I ever been. But I thought this guy was worth getting to know and tried to get past the beard, plus it wasn't a huge scraggly beard anyways and looked ok on him. And so I ignored the beardedness before my very eyes. We went out multiple times. And I forgot all about my beard hatred. I grew to appreciate my date, beard and all.

But, and you knew there had to be a but, then it happened. Kissing. Kissing happened. The beard felt so bizarre and it threw me for a loop. It distracted me from one of my favorite sports. The nerve!

As the open-minded and patient person that I am, I didn't let it get to me. I said to myself, "self, this is a minor setback. Next time you will know what to expect and will not be distracted."

But, yes another but, then I got home. And I put my jammies on and I sat on the couch and said to my roomies, "what is that smell??". And they were all, "what smell"? And I was like, "I smell something awful, what is that!? Ewwww".

Ok and do you want to know what the smell turned out to be? Brace yourself bloggers.

It was my face. My upperlip had retained this disgusting stank from beard-boy's beard. I had to wash my face to get rid of the odor. Sicknast!!!!!!

And furthermore, I went out with beard-boy one more time. I was in such disbelief that I convinced myself that this had to be a one time thing, his beard couldn't always reek. Could it? Yes, it could. On the last date I even smelled the beard while sitting beside him. And when he kissed me I was just thinking "eww no, eww no".

Well, I think I must've given off some "I really don't like being close to you or kissing you" sort of a vibe because beard-boy never called me again. I couldn't help but be sort of offended. I was all prepared to turn him down for a date and he didn't even call me to give me the chance. Can you believe that?

Mark my words, I will never date another man with facial hair.
I don't care if Eduardo Verastegui asks me out. I will not put myself thru that again. Although, I'm sure Eduardo would shave for me. And put on a suit and tie.

It's really not so much to ask.

The End.


Amber W. said...

Ewwww! I knew there was a reason I never liked facial hair. I'm sorry you had to be put through that nastiness!

Out of My League said...

1. I absolutely heart that you call kissing a sport.
2. From someone who married a man with a beard (ok, on a technicality, shaves now for professionality's sake, but someday will return to the shaggy mountain man that reveals his true character), I mourn for your awful experience, because beards can be really fun.
3. Eww. Ewwwwwww. Ewww. And I deal with smallchild explosions daily. There was something hygenically wrong with the nice bearded man who wouldn't call you (which is not nice, btw).
4. I know it was a majorly scarring experience, but just to keep you semi-openminded to beardedness, just know that there ARE men who have beards that tend to them better than some women tend to their hairstyles, and that they are NOT smelly. I wouldn't have married into THAT. Don't judge me because I like beards. I only like the non-smelly kind!

Liza said...

HAHAHHA - true story. I remember Uptown Girl coming home late one night our our uptown abode.. from her date with the bearded fellow - and i woke up to hear the details.. She crawled in my bed for a minute to give the dirt..and I expected from her smile that everything was going well.. then came "I don't know if I like him anymore... His Beard really smells!!!" then we burst out into laughter, and I knew that beard boy was history.

ps Maria, I just got off the phone with Eduardo and he agreed to shave - so at least give him shot!

Mary said...

I just want to say that as much as I enjoyed reading that story, it was 1000 times better when you told me in person :) Thanks for sharing the beard story... again! Loved it!

Uptown Girl said...

Amber- thank you for your words of sympathy, they mean a lot. ps- i still can't read your blog for more than a couple seconds before it shuts down all my internet windows. it is def this aweful computer and yours is not the only blog... but i miss it! drat.

Out of My League- Kissing can be considered a sport, an extracurricular activity, a hobby... I will consider not judging you for liking a bearded man. but you are treading very thin ice with that statement.

Liza & Mary- you knew it had to eventually make the blogizzle! fo shizzle my nizzle lemon drizzle!

katy said...

I hope this poor, unfortunate, smelly, bearded, rude man doesn't read your blog!

Or maybe I hope he does...

Uptown Girl said...

Katy- LMAO!!!!!!!!!!! That was hilario. In all seriousness, I suppose it really would be to his benefit to know that he stinks so he can correct that.